Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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