To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
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