He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
