she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Randomize
