Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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