Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
