You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
