Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
that may or may not have been my penis.
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