My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I need to align my fucking chakras
Randomize
