i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
