Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
