He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
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