Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Randomize
