I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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