guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
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