I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
