mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
