Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
