Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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