After last night, I could never be a politician.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
