just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
