Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
