she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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