If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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