I haven't been this sober since birth.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
