Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
