guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
my liver is dry heaving
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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