Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize
