i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
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