I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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