well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
