She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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