I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
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