You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
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