When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Randomize
