You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
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