i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
