he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I have already put on my inside pants.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Randomize
