I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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