There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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