You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Randomize
