How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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