I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
