I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
