Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
