i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
