ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize