his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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