It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
