Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
A+ Viking dick
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Randomize
