Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Randomize
