we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Randomize
