She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize