I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
