thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
where are you?
Hypothermia
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
