I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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