i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
