just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Randomize
