She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
